Thursday, May 14, 2015

Ride Bike, Get Stabbed, Rinse, Repeat . . .

It was a little over a year ago, on this very blog, that I revealed the alarming epidemic of bike-related stabbings in San Diego.  The evidence I laid out establishing the nearly 100% chance of getting stabbed at some point whilst biking in and around America's Classiest City was so compelling that The San Diego Reader chose to feature my findings as a public service to our oblivious populous:  "Quick Sell Your Bike . . ."

After the hysteria died down, I moved on to less sensational topics, such as chainsaw wielding maniacs threatening bike riders, and hadn't given much thought to the whole bike-stabbing thing until last week.  The headline that popped into my Twitter feed was:  "Man stabbed at 7-Eleven in North Park."  The wise ass in me (or, perhaps, more accurately, the wise ass that I am) instantly wondered what the chances were that a bike was involved.  I've resisted the temptation to click on stabbing stories for a whole year (taking it one day at a time, people), so there's no way that the first random one I click on could possibly be bike-related, right?  Wrong.  The compulsively curious part of my nature couldn't resist such click-bait, and was rewarded with this KUSI story - "Man Stabbed at 7-Eleven" - which described how a man was stabbed in a North Park 7 Eleven parking lot (I warned you people about mixing bikes with low-end fast food, but did you listen?!) and then "rode his bicycle to a friends house at Arizona St and Wightman St where he was given a wheelchair to sit in."  Same old story people - have bike, get stabbed, ride to home of friend who keeps a wheelchair around for just these sorts of situations.

Awesome!  This week's post could, practically, write itself with such juicy, sweeps-worthy material (it IS May, isn't it?).  Before actually sitting down to let this post write itself, though, I had to make sure I did my due diligence by having my crack research team scour the news wires for any other recent bike-related stabbings.  And wouldn't you know it -- we had not one, but two bike-related stabbings in the last week.  The more recent, one, though, added a twist to the usual bike-stabbing scenario.  As reported by the UT - "Man Stabbed In North Park . . ." - this time, it was the bike rider who was the aggressor:  "A man was stabbed at a bus stop at 30th Street and El Cajon Boulevard in North Park Monday night by an acquaintance who rode up to him on a bicycle, San Diego police said."  

Now, that's more like it!  It's about time we, innocent, law-abiding bikeists turned the table on our tormentors and gained the upper hand --  it's stab or be stabbed people!  No longer will we bikeists be defenseless lambs -- think twice before randomly stabbing us you ne'er do wells out there.  That unseemly bulge in my lycra?  It may just mean that I'm happy to see you, but it may mean that I'm packing 10 inches of deadly, razor-sharpened steel. So, you've got to ask yourself one question, punk.  "Do I feel lucky?"  Well, do ya, punk?

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